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Aliens make contact

by Archives April 1, 2008

An important announcement was issued this week from SETI, the scientific experiment that uses Internet-connected computers to search for extraterrestrial intelligence.
The Concordian has learned that several messages originating from deep space were received on March 13 at the Norton Hill monitoring centre. Although it contains no threat to our planet or its people, it states, “We are happy to have made contact with your planet and we consider you our neighbours, yet we politely ask that you cease attempts at communication with our civilization.”
“This should have been an extraordinary day for SETI and its volunteers, but instead we hear from an intelligent life form outside our solar system and they’re telling us to stop bothering them,” said a spokesperson for SETI.
Humans have been beaming all kinds of crap into space for almost a hundred years and the people at SETI believe that’s the problem. “We’ve invested millions of dollars on equipment to listen for alien broadcasts. Now, our first contact with an alien life form suggests they have been receiving American cable TV for a decade. We have managed to convince another life form that the level of human intelligence and moral values equal those of characters on Desperate Housewives and Lost. This is a tragedy for intra-terrestrial relations.”
The Concordian was shown a copy of the alien message. From the language and references used in the message, it is obvious that the United States’ cable TV network signals are the only ones powerful enough to be picked up by our interstellar neighbours.
“Can you imagine what they’re thinking,” lamented our source. “They have no knowledge of the declaration of independence, the UN charter or Michael Jackson’s ‘We Are The World.’ How are they supposed to respect us if all they are watching American Idol and Desperate Housewives?”
The alien message went on to state, “Your governing council seems preoccupied with individual family disagreements and various reproductive methods – while our civilization in no way discounts these concerns, our particular priorities focus on the economic and physical wellbeing of our citizens. We would greatly appreciate your discontinuing broadcasts of said council meetings – particularly tiresome to us are the constant references to ‘my baby’s daddy’ and ‘in-laws from hell.'”
Most disconcerting though was this passage, “We are a civilization based on numerical values – we realize, of course, that you had no way of knowing, but the values represented by your numerical ‘$19.99’ are particularly offensive to us; the translation in our communication refers to a sexual act with livestock that involves one’s family members and food preparation utensils. We urgently request no further transmission.”
The message ended with a polite yet bizarre request, “Please discontinue all transmission from the United States,” and a request that someone in authority contact the country of Romania, as they believe, “they are a people we would like to get to know.”

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