Tag: love

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Student Life

The art of being single: Not every date is a “date”

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

When you spend time talking to someone and make a plan to meet up, is it a date? Is it just getting together to hang out? How do you know the difference?

A lot of people think that any get together between themselves and their newest interest is a date, but that isn’t necessarily the case. By calling every “date” – a meet-up with a love interest or someone you’re getting to know, in whichever sense – a date, there are certain connotations and expectations. 

With a date, there comes the expectation that this might lead somewhere more than just hanging out with the person. There’s also confusion of what exactly is appropriate as an activity if this is not a date, but just a meet-up; you wouldn’t necessarily go to the movies or out to a nice restaurant with someone you have no interest in pursuing more than platonically, would you? Going bowling, on the other hand, or grabbing a quick drink (alcoholic or not) could be a more platonic activity and not have the same connotations.

Not every “date” is a date. I’ve been on many non-date activities where there was a mutual acknowledgement that it was not a date, that nothing more would come of the time spent together than a good time spent together with good conversation. On the other hand, I’ve met up with people who called it a date because they called every meet-up a date, regardless of their intentions.

The problem is there are expectations that might not be met. If one of the two people thinks it’s a date but the other doesn’t, and this fact comes up during their time together, things can get awkward very quickly. What do they expect from me? What do they mean by “date”? I don’t want them to get the wrong idea. Does that mean they’ll pay for me/I’m expected to pay for them? All these and more are questions that can arise because of a lack of communication.

It is possible for non-dates to turn into dates through a change in activity, i.e. going from getting a coffee to grabbing a meal in a dimly-lit restaurant, to a movie or mini-putting. Again, because certain activities have certain connotations, some are dates while others can simply be platonic. 

Honestly, the best way to avoid confusion about whether your next meet-up is a date or not is to communicate. Talk about your intentions, expectations (in a non-creepy way), or like, straight up say “I want to take you out on a date.” If you’re still not sure while you’re actually doing whichever activity, pay attention to body language. It’s usually a good signal to whether the other person thinks it’s a date or not. And again, you can always just ask if you’re really clueless.

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Student Life

The art of being single: Cuffing season is here!

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

So cuffing season is upon us and everyone seems to be frantically trying to find someone to hold on to for the upcoming months. Cuffing season, if you don’t already know, is the time when everyone is trying to settle into a relationship of some kind. It may seem like it’s made up, but cuffing season is actually a thing.

According to a Cosmopolitan article, cuffing season is from October to March. This happens because of the cold weather outside — temperatures drop, days become shorter and there’s less sunshine, and people’s testosterone levels rise. So, what’s the logical thing to do? Cuff up with someone for six months, apparently.

Very honestly, because that’s how I do this column thing, I’ve never been cuffed and the idea of trying to find someone for this period wasn’t so present in my life. It’s also never really been a prevalent thing in my circle or even in my general surroundings. I’ve realized that’s because I’ve mostly been around people who have been in long term relationships or just couldn’t care less about being with someone, regardless of the time of year.

But this year, things are different: those who were in long term relationships are no longer, those who didn’t care about being with someone suddenly do, and I’ve made new friends who now think of it too. It feels like there’s a shift in the air — people are searching everywhere to try to find someone to keep them warm and cuffed until March. 

So where does that leave me? It stresses me out.

I already can’t seem to find someone during the “regular” season (literally always) so how am I expected to keep up with the high, fervorous and tension-filled time that is cuffing season? Sure, I could just go about my life like I have for the last couple of months, waiting for the universe to plant someone at my doorstep, but I’m no different than anyone else — the cold weather, lack of sunshine and incessant seeing everyone else cuffed up just makes me want to be cuffed up too. 

But if you’re like me and never get cuffed, fear not. Remember, people get cuffed because they’re lonely and cold. All you need to get through cuffing season alone is a bunch of blankets, cozy socks, all your favourite movies, all of the snacks, and your friends. If I can get through cuffing season, so can you.

 

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

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Student Life

Unlucky in love? Check your attachment style

Graphic by @sundaeghost

Whether it be constant clinginess, emotional unavailability, or the classical Oedipus complex, what we bring to the dating table ultimately determines the success — or lack thereof — of our future relationships. But is there a way to pinpoint where we could improve ourselves without resorting to “objective” feedback given by our friends, dating coaches, the Internet, and moms? The answer is yes, by figuring out our attachment style.

What is an attachment style? According to the creator of attachment theory, John Bowlby, and expressed in an article on verywellmind.com, it is “the lasting psychological connectedness between human beings”; in other words, it’s how we interact with those we bond with.

Learning your style is not on par with reading a horoscope, nor is it as good as actual introspective counselling, but it does enter a space heavily focused on by experts in behavioural psychology. In a simplypsychology.org article, it explains how Bowlby, a well-known psychologist, theorized that how a child was raised determined specific emotional responses to their caregivers. The less time infants spent with their mothers, the more they developed a physiological disposition to separation anxiety.

With the growth of the behavioural discipline, attachment theory has been expanded by researchers such as Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz to cover adult relationships. They divided said theory into categories such as anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure. According to these experts, the nature of the interaction between a baby and its caregiver determined which category the infant fell into, which later determined how they would act as an adult with future romantic partners.

How this translates into the dating scene is clarified by Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, in her book Knowing Your Critical Self. As she explains, each style comes with its own dating characteristics.

Anxious Preoccupied

This deals with those who constantly feel “emotional” hunger, that is to say, they desire constant validation from their partner and live in what Firestone describes as a “fantasy” of their actual relationship. With this group, dating terms such as “clingy” and “paranoid” become commonplace. An anxious preoccupied will tend to bombard a partner with texts, experience anxiety when apart and even suspect the worst (breakups, love lost, cheating).

Dismissive Avoidant

Unlike the anxious style, dismissive avoidants seek more distance from their partner. The word association in this regard would be “unavailable,” since avoidants, well, avoid active conversations, remain emotionally introverted and gain limited satisfaction from the presence of others. All this is detrimental to dating, as communication and 50/50 effort are key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship. Furthermore, avoidants would view any argument as an overreaction on their partner’s part.

Fearful Avoidant

The “best” of both worlds, a fearfully avoidant alternates between worrying that they are too close to someone or that they’re too far. So, as Katy Perry says, they’re hot then they’re cold, they’re yes then they’re no, they’re in then they’re out, they’re up then they’re down. Generally indecisive, these individuals are kind of the “Ross Gellers” of dating; always wanting to be in a relationship, ultimately sabotaging it, and then wanting to be in one again.

Secure

In contrast to the styles mentioned so far, secure individuals feel comfortable both in a relationship or alone. With words such as honest, realistic and caring describing them, they are capable of remaining invested with their partners but not dependent. Moreover, they act as a support base for those who date them and will reciprocate that support to those who need them. In other words, they are the closest thing to the perfect partner.

Ultimately, most of us seek to gravitate towards a more secure personality. We do not want to come off as too attached, emotionally unavailable, and/or all over the place. Barring professional counselling, we should identify and work on our own attachment styles so that we may better support others, potential partners and most importantly, ourselves.

Graphic by @sundaeghost

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Student Life

The art of being single: Know that you’re not alone

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

What do you do when everyone around you is getting in a relationship, always going on dates, in multiple people’s DMs? What do you do when, even in a crowd full of people, in a room full of friends, surrounded by a family that loves you, you feel all alone? 

Relationships are weird. You spend so much time going about your life, living it alongside those around you in a neat little existence, minding your business and taking things one step at a time. One day, you meet someone – you bump into them on the street, you’re in the elevator together, you follow each other on Twitter, you match and start chatting on a dating app – and your life changes.

No longer are you simply living your life in a little bubble following a neat little existence alongside your friends and family. Your life now revolves, in some respect, around the person you start talking to, and eventually start dating. It’s great, life feels full, love is everywhere around you.

But what if you’re that friend on the sideline, on the outside of all this? The one that was living that neat little existence beside you, with no sight for a relationship anywhere nearby. What if you’re the friend who’s single while everyone else around you is living their best taken/dating life? Obviously, you’re happy for your friends, your family, whoever it is that found love – but what about you?

The idea that the more love there is around you, the more love you feel might be nice in theory. But it can feel very lonely when everyone else around you is experiencing love. Yes, there are my friends and family, maybe even some strangers, who love me; yet nothing can fill that little void you feel when you’re missing out on it all.

Yes, I know that the people around me love me and care for me, but not having someone to love more than in the capacity of just a friend or your family can be quite lonely. It’s not the worst thing in the world, of course, but it’s still a prevalent feeling.

Yes, I know it may suck for all it’s worth, but really try to focus on the positives: at least you have friends and family and maybe even strangers who love and appreciate you. Know that, while you may feel alone when it seems like everyone else in the world has someone except for you, you aren’t really alone. You’re not the only one feeling that way, your emotions are valid, and your time to find that love you see everyone else around you have will come one day – just maybe not today.

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Student Life

The art of being single: You can still love someone else even if you don’t love yourself

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

I’m not going to come on here and tell you that you need to learn to love yourself before you could ever be loved or before you can love someone else, because that’s problematic for a few reasons. 

First, it harbours the idea that people aren’t worthy of love if they don’t love who they are by themselves. You don’t have to love yourself all the time or have all your life figured out to be loved; you can still be a work in progress.

Second, this ideology of loving yourself before you should ever be in a relationship with someone else is toxic. Loving yourself is a process; a lifelong journey. There are probably days where you think to yourself, “yeah, I’m pretty damn awesome.” There are also days where you might not like yourself very much, for whatever reason.

Both of these reasons and everything in between are totally normal and they’re all part of living with yourself every day for your entire life. Neither of these or anything in between should affect your ability to be in a relationship.

While there are these two problems with this ideology, there is also a silver lining. No, you don’t have to love yourself before you can love someone else, but it’s important to still learn to love yourself. The same effort you’re going to put into a relationship is also needed for yourself.

Whether it’s by taking time to yourself to really get to know you, or it’s going on solo dates to your favourite coffee shop, to a new movie that came out, to a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try; or even if it’s telling yourself reaffirming phrases everyday for the rest of your life. All of these are just some examples of how you can learn to love yourself. But these don’t, in any way, conclude the journey of self-love, nor do they mean you can’t still be in a relationship while you’re on it.

The whole point of this is that you can still (if you choose) be in a loving relationship with someone else even though you’re not in a loving relationship with yourself. You’re allowed to love and be loved by someone else while you’re trying and learning to love yourself. You’re allowed to be happy with someone else even if you’re not necessarily always happy with yourself. You’re not unworthy of feeling love or being in love if you don’t love yourself. The important thing is that you don’t give up on trying.

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The art of being single

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

I debated sharing this with everyone, with however many strangers and my mom (hi mom) are going to read this, but I think there’s a valuable point to my story, so just hear me out.

This is the first summer in about four years that I wasn’t on a dating app. That doesn’t seem like a very big deal and, in theory, it isn’t. But when you spent many years on and off dating apps trying to find someone you connect with, I guess it kind of is.

In the first issue of The Art of Being Single for 2019-20, I wrote about how I’m a go-getter in all aspects of my life, dating and love included. All my time on dating apps over the last few years have been to potentially find someone I would maybe spend my life with (big claim, yes I know, but it does happen!)

If you’ve been following along with my column, or if you know me in real life, you know that my search over the years has been futile. Sure, I’ve spoken to and gotten to know a lot of cool, interesting people, but also some people that, looking back at now, I wish I hadn’t invested so much of my time in.

I’m not going to say that I necessarily regret spending so much time on dating apps over the years, because every single one of those people (and trust me, there’s been a lot, all who’ve eventually ghosted) have moulded me into who I am today. Each person has left me with memories, with inside jokes I still laugh at sometimes, with things that remind me of them in everyday life. They’ve all helped me know what I want and don’t want, what I like and dislike, how to maneuver through the world of dating. All of these people have shaped my view on the dating world and made me into who I am today.

So, this was the first summer in a long time that I wasn’t on a dating app. It was the first time in a long time that I wasn’t wasting my time swiping left and right, updating my profile to sound interesting, engaging in conversations with people that would end up ghosting at the end. This was the first summer that I wasn’t completely engrossed by my phone looking at profile after profile trying to look for love.

This summer, I felt free. And you should try it sometime too.

 

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Student Life

The Art of Being Single: Shit happens, routines fail

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

You know when you meet someone new and life kind of just falls into place? Your days are occupied with texting them for hours on end, the conversation never fading or getting awkward. Your time not talking to them is hard to get through because you want to know what they’re doing, what they’re thinking, their opinion on x, y, and z.

Life falls into this routine: a morning text is waiting for you when you wake up; you know what time it was sent at without even looking. You know their daily schedule so you know when they won’t be available to chat, you know when they’re in a meeting, on the way home from work, or playing a sport.

The conversations flow so easily, so naturally. You learn their quirks, their slang, their terrible jokes. Even after only a few weeks, it feels like you’ve known this person forever and you look forward to the next morning’s text, the routine you’ve gotten to know and love. Nothing has ever felt so right.

Until it all goes wrong.

One day, the morning text you’ve woken up to for the last three weeks isn’t there. The consistent stream of inside jokes stop. The conversations that you’ve held near and dear, that you’ve looked forward to, day after day? They stop.
The routine is no more and it feels like you don’t even know what you’re supposed to do at 8:23 a.m. when they would normally text you, or from 10-12 when you’d sneakily message them during a meeting; or until 9 p.m., when they’d fall asleep.

Your life gets turned on its head and you don’t know what to do anymore. Was it something I did or didn’t say? Something I did or didn’t do? What’s so fundamentally wrong with me that someone suddenly stops talking to me after weeks of cultivating our routine? Sadness, anxiety, anger and pain creep in — sometimes separately, often all at once.

Eventually, though, they start fading from your memory and life resumes as it was before. You fall back into your routine, the one without the person who made your days brighter and more complete.

Eventually. But it takes time. In the meantime, it’s okay to still feel some lingering uncertainties about why it all ended; it’s okay to still care about them even though they hurt you like they said they never would.

Keep in mind that even though it’s hard to grasp why it happened, it did happen, and there’s no going back or changing the past. This routine will come and go many times, but, one day, it will stay forever. In the meantime, just remember it’s all part of the art of being single.

 

 

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Student Life

The Art of Being Single

graphic by @sundaeghost

My whole life, I’ve always gone after what I wanted. I tried out for all the parts I wanted in the school play; I worked hard in school to be a good student and make the honour roll; I applied to jobs I wasn’t completely qualified for. I did all of these things because of who I am as a person – I’m a fighter, I go after what I want.

If you’re new here, hi! This is a column where I discuss the ups and downs, the good and the annoying, literally everything about being single – hence the name. If you’re wondering why I’m talking about my “nature” as a person, it leads into the following: when it comes to love, everyone always says to stop looking for it because it’ll come to you when you least expect it. But how do you leave something be when it’s in your nature – it’s how you function – to fight for what you want?

This is something I’ve been trying to navigate over the last few years: I know I should let love come to me (I’m also a big believer in fate, big surprise) but I can’t just let opportunity pass me by. You never know what you could be missing out on if you don’t put yourself out there.

The main point is the conflict between creating your own path to something (fighting for it and creating opportunities for success) or letting things fall into place when they’re meant to (letting the universe do its work, as fate might have a master plan).

While I’ve had a difficult time in the past dealing with leaving my love life up to fate (the universe, any god, possibly even to nothing), I’ve become more inclined to letting go of the incessant fear of ending up alone if I’m not on every dating app or scouting potential prospects in my everyday life.

I’ve come to the calm realization, like the ocean after a storm, that if I end up alone, well, at least I would have had my fair share of experiences, all of which shaped me into who I am today. I know that I tried and failed, that I would have had my heart broken, my feelings manipulated, and my hopes shattered.

With all that being said, even though I fight for what I want, I’ve decided to leave love up to fate and wait for it to happen when I least expect it.

 

Graphic by @sundaeghost

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Opinions

The art of being single

graphic by @sundaeghost

Goodbye for now

To my dearest readers (you know it’s going to be cheesy from here on out), the time has come for me to say goodbye—but only for now!

These last few months, I’ve shared my thoughts, experiences and feelings with you about being single and trying out the dating scene. While it’s been a little scary to put it all out on the line for all those who read this, it’s also been quite a cathartic experience. In case some of you didn’t notice, I don’t actually have my life together; this column was as much of a learning and comforting experience for me as it was for you.

On that note, hopefully I’ve comforted some of you with the fact that you’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you when shit hits the fan or when things fall through. At the end of the day, it’s all about being okay with yourself and knowing that you’re a badass person. Someone somewhere, one day, will be lucky to be with you. But until then, remember that being in a healthy relationship with yourself is the most important thing, and that being single doesn’t mean you’re not worth loving or that you’ll never find someone.

As I always say, things may suck for a bit—sometimes for a while—and it might seem like an eternity, but it never lasts. With summer (finally!) almost here, take these few months to try out the dating scene, continue meeting new people, fall in love, get your heart broken, break someone’s heart—but try to be gentle when you do it. Heck, you can even say ‘screw it’ and live your best single life!

In the end, the most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens, good, bad or nothing at all, just make an art of being single, because it won’t last forever.

Graphic by @sundaemorningcoffee

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Opinions

The art of being single

Don’t give up on finding your person

In the last issue of The Art of Being Single, I spoke about ghosting and how it sucks because it leaves you with many unanswered questions about the situation and yourself. It leaves you feeling defeated. But ghosting isn’t the only thing that can make you question yourself or someone’s behaviour towards you while building a relationship. You know what else sucks? Breadcrumbing and haunting.

If nothing else, I hope this column is at least teaching you some new things. According to Urban Dictionary, breadcrumbing is “when the ‘crush’ has no intentions of taking things further, but they like the attention.” So they’ll keep messaging you and being all flirty but things will go nowhere. Haunting, on the other hand, is a little like ghosting but the ghoster is keeping indirect contact, usually by liking your posts on Instagram or viewing your Snapchat stories, even though they have your number but never message you.

You know why these possibly suck even more than a simple ghost? It’s the fact that you’re constantly being reminded. You’re constantly being reminded that you never got any answers. You’re being reminded of the awful feeling of being ghosted in the first place. You’re constantly being bombarded with the idea that you’re flirt-worthy but not relationship-worthy. You’re being reminded of a failed relationship, the good moments (if any) you spent with the other person, the chemistry you thought was so intense a scientist somewhere in Antarctica could feel it amidst the blistering cold.

You begin to think it’s normal, that anything that doesn’t result in ghosting, breadcrumbing or haunting is a miracle. You might even begin to believe that love doesn’t—and can’t—exist, if this is what the dating scene is all about.

You know what sucks about it all? You begin to give up.

But don’t. No matter how hard it is to believe, there has to be something, someone out there for us that won’t leave us hanging. So no matter if you’ve been ghosted, haunted or breadcrumbed for the first, third, 64th time—don’t give up on finding love.

 

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Opinions

How to be a happy romantic in a hookup culture

graphic by Ana Bilokin

One student’s experience with romance and realizing why it begins when you stop partying

It took years for me to realize that it’s possible to be a happy romantic in a hookup culture. And it all started in April 2017, when I made the conscious decision to stop partying.

Throughout my years of partying, I surrounded myself with hookup enthusiasts who constantly told me that my romantic aspirations were juvenile. They warned that I was “too serious” for my own good, and a big part of me believed them. YOLO and FOMO smothered my brain like thick cobwebs. I wanted to experience the euphoric young adulthood talked about in all those hype dance songs, and portrayed in all those badass Hollywood movies. Consequently, I became desperate to emancipate my heart from emotion.

I wanted to go out and dance with cute guys, without caring whether they asked for my name. If they asked for my name, I wanted to answer without hoping they’d ask for my number too. If they asked for my number, I wanted to flirt without expecting the conversation to blossom into something more meaningful. I failed miserably. Every time a cute guy would prove that his interest in me was purely physical, I’d feel a pang of disappointment deep in my belly. Every time a crush flirted with other girls the way he flirted with me, I’d feel a punch of rejection bruise my heart.

Hookup culture was crushing my inner romantic and the desire I had to find someone legit. At the time, however, I didn’t see it that way at all. I resented the pain, and told myself it was proof that I desperately needed to get a handle on my emotions. When I stopped partying though, I was no longer under the influence––not of friends, of alcohol, or of hookup culture. I was able to weed out anxieties and facades that I kept having to live up to while in the skin of a social butterfly.

Without a shadow of a doubt, abandoning nightlife was integral to my confidence as a romantic person. It was step one along a path that, almost two years later, led me to a wellspring of happiness and peace. I do not believe I would’ve been able to access this wellbeing had I continued partying.

We live in a culture that constantly encourages us to believe that we can be anything. And in some ways, that’s inspiring. However, too many millennials are trying to transcend desires that they’d be better off embracing: feelings of wanting more from one person intellectually, emotionally, and romantically. It saddens me to think that I ever villainized my desire for loyalty. I bought into pop culture’s highly manipulative lie, which says that the happiest young people are those who are down for anything, anywhere, with anyone.

If you’re a romantic millennial, I urge you to tread cautiously in environments that propagate hookup culture. These scenes will trick you into believing that you’re your own worst enemy. But in the words of inspirational speaker Alexander Den Heijer, “When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.” If in your heart you are hoping to meet somebody special, the dance floor isn’t so much a place of freedom as it is a vortex that forces you to be something you are not.

To my fellow romantics: I can confidently assure you that none of those parties will go down as the best nights of your life. Conversely, they’re liable to endanger your happiness, and demotivate you from seeking the loyal relationship you deserve. Your person is out there, but they’re not waiting for you in a room that ridicules the real you.

Graphic by Ana Bilokin.

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Opinions

The art of being single

Ghosting, bad dates, and trying again

So Valentine’s Day was a few days ago. While some single people don’t care, for others it might be hard to deal with being alone when love and romance are so commercially advertised. If you’re one of those people, you might have questions about your relationship status. How do you deal with rejection? How do you deal with ghosting? How do you deal with never feeling like you’re adequate and like you’re going to be single forever while everyone else’s love life is flourishing?

The answer? You just do.

I know it’s frustrating. I know it’s sad. And I know, after a while, it’s exhausting. But I also know that it isn’t the end of the world; you’re going to go on other dates, and you will eventually find your person.

Now, while you wait to find your person, you’re going to (more likely than not) go through a few rough patches. You might be on every dating app possible with no luck of finding someone cute and interesting, or shooting your shot just to get rejected. Or, you might go on your fifth terrible date this month, or you might be talking to someone you’re starting to like, but are then ghosted. You might go through all of this. I feel you, but know that you aren’t alone in this struggle of trying to not be single.

Let’s face it: no matter how many times we think Tinder or Bumble or Hinge (or the countless other dating apps) might work out—after deleting and re-downloading them three times this month—they most likely won’t. Out of so many people that use any or all of these apps, how many of them actually find what they’re looking for?

As for shooting your shot, I wrote all about it last time, so check it out if you’re still searching for a sign to do it. In terms of having terrible dates, definitely don’t see someone again if you don’t want to. No amount of frustration and loneliness should infringe on this decision; it’s always better to be alone than in bad company.

Lastly, when it comes to ghosting, I have one thing to say. I hate it. It really freaking sucks. And I’m not talking about ghosting when the conversation is going nowhere, or if you clearly have nothing in common; I feel like we’ve all done this at some point. I’m talking about ghosting when you start thinking, “yeah, maybe this can go somewhere.” Then, BOOM. Ghosted. If you do this, just know I don’t like you. And if you’ve had this done to you, just know, like in every other instance, you’ll be okay. You just move on, try again, and eventually you’ll find your person. Lather, rinse, repeat––but for your heart.

 

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