Ladies. Valentine’s Day, am I right? Men, take a break. Girls, pour yourselves a tall mojito and settle back. If you weren’t with your significant other on Valentine’s Day, then hopefully you were with some other lonely hearts. Or maybe you just stayed at home and studied, which is cool too. But me, I invited Ashton Kutcher, Anne Hathaway, Jennifer Garner, Patrick Dempsey and some other A-listers over to my living room and we rang in the most dreaded day of the year together. Or – I just watched Valentine’s Day, drank a strange mix of colourful and unconventional liquids and ate discount Hershey’s Kisses by myself, hallucinating celebrities. Your call. In any case – that day? Kind of sucks. But why not live vicariously through people who know love enough to star in a movie named after V-day? So yeah, I watched 2010’s Valentine’s Day, so you never have to – not that you would ever want to.
Okay, you know that saying, “The British do everything better than Americans and, kind of, Canadians?” Oh wait, it’s not actually a saying? ‘Cause it probably should be. Let’s count them out. They have given us the English language, candy (Don’t believe me? A Cadbury Curly Wurly is like a chocolate caramel explosion in your entire mouth. No joke), vintage shopping, celebrity tabloids and dentistry – okay, so maybe not dentistry. But movies? Hands down, 100 per cent. Like when Love, Actually came out and we loved it so much we had to get the prettiest people on the continent and recreate it, shove in product placements for Blackberry, and slap Garry Marshall, the king of rom-coms, in the opening credits as director. There’s even a scene running through an airport!
Ashton Kutcher is in love and newly engaged. Tobey Maguire is dating a sex-line operator. Jessica Biel is inexplicably single and bitter. Eric Dane is a gay football player. Patrick Dempsey is two-timing Jennifer Garner. Everyone else is either in love or advising the poor saps who are. Unless they’re Jamie Foxx, whose only role is being the racial minority (along with Queen Latifah and George Lopez, who are also painfully stereotypical depictions).
If this isn’t clear enough after an hour and 44 minutes in, he emphasizes it by shouting, “I am the chocolate!” after Biel demands her fifth candy enema. Foxx is also super supportive of minorities, judging by his lines after Eric Dane’s character officially comes out: “What does this mean? Will there be more house music played in the locker room? […] I stand behind you, Sean â€“ metaphorically.”
Adorable, right? Man, don’t we all love love? And Taylor Swift? Because she’s not only in the movie as, surprise surprise, a ditzy cheerleader, but her song is played twice during the movie. And, girlfriend, does she work that role, seriously. This is her first film, right? Because she BECOMES the blonde bimbo, you know? Oh, wait.
Ending comments: if you hate Valentine’s Day, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you not to watch this movie. If you love Valentine’s Day, whether you’re in a relationship or not, and you’re just really down with the chocolate and pink sweaters – don’t watch this movie. As for me, I’ll go back to rummaging through my medicine cabinet for a night cap. Thank fucking God it’s over.